


Heavy Nothings

by Kazeit



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, I am so tired, M/M, Tsukki hitting on kags, Underage Drinking, first kissing, gay yachi, growing up issues, im so so sorry about this is lame, introspective, sorry - Freeform, teenagers being idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4969045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kazeit/pseuds/Kazeit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What to do, when your crush is as big, as alive, as mind-blowing as the Sun?<br/>Easy, stay still, hope he does not burn you. <br/>This is the story of how Kageyama Tobio found himself fighting against his inner darkness, and kneeled down before what he thinks, is the love of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavy Nothings

**Please read with: Crystals-Of Monsters and Men, Kid-Wake Owl, and The Dreamer- The tallest Man on Earth. (I recommend best the latter and first)**

 

It’s quite hot today, you think. Not that you really care, though, cause inside of the classroom its freezing cold due to the new air conditioning system. No more recess outside until the end of the summer, you don’t know if that’s good r bad.

You’ve been talking to one of your upperclassman since… eleven minutes and seventeen seconds, and it’s not that you want him to leave or something, is that you feel like the conversation is starting to get shallow and low-key boring, you think of something to come up with next, trying to plan every second of the conversation so it actually lasts. It takes effort, really.

But Suga just smiles, chuckles at something, and makes the bits conversation that had been left in the air with something funny, asking you about how you are doing lately, how good your relationship with the group has been going, and if you’ve finally made click with your classmates, as the semester had only begun.

You cock your head, and mutter “Workin’ on it, yeah.”

Suga smiles, and slides his hand over your notebook, scratched roughly with what, at first glance, look like a bunch of bold circles with names on them.

“These are stars!” he beams, tracing his fingers over the page “My mum used to read the names of the stars and constellations.” His soft voice makes you turn to see him. “I love stars, and I also love the way you draw them”

You were never good with words, but this display makes you feel so good you actually let out a short “I love stars, too” showing a tiny smile, it doesn’t last more than five seconds, though.

“Hmm” Suga sighs, eyeing your sketches up and down “How about the Sun, eh? Do you like the Sun, Kageyama?”

_No. The Sun melts stuff. The Sun is obnoxious. The Sun is just… unbearable._

A tense jaw and a frown work for an answer, as Suga grimaces. You look across the window to your left, to the baseball court where a bunch of kids are playing and eating lunch.

“I don’t” you start.

Your eyes fix on a mess of oranges and browns, then a face full of sweat and a smirk too bright for you to deal with.

“I don’t like the Sun.”

 

**-**

“The Sun is 149 million kilometres from earth…”

The fact sticks to your memory as you breathe it out. You don’t quite remember when or how did you get the book with the big white letters on it that screamed “SPACE SO FAR” and that you are holding right now in your calloused hands, lying on your unmade bed, air conditioning on 19 grades centigrade. You should be outside, but…

Isolation is good, right?

…right?

You sigh. Why not playing volley right now? Is not that hot. You are home right now, Friday afternoon, time’s not a problem. You close the book, deciding that playing round your own mind about playing volley or not is just stupid, and you stand from your bed.

Only to have his image popping on your irises like a super 8 movie would do: You remember what happened a few hours before you got home all sweaty and nervous.

Your dazed eyes fix on the window leading to your garden. The ghost of what you saw hours later is down there again, Noya and Tanaka, instead of using a volleyball to play they are using a red plastic balloon with a face on it, noticeably hard to keep on place to play how God commands. Tanaka hops in the air trying to pass it to Noya, but the wind takes it away and he ends swatting the air and nearly hitting him. You frown.

Hinata screams.

Why can’t you do that? You mean, you _can_ , yeah. But something deep inside you just keeps you from doing it, confined in that room-

-Confined in _yourself._

You grit your teeth hard, hard enough to hurt, and harshly shove the desk chair further inside of it.

When will it stop? You wonder how many times you’ve been attacked by the urge to _be there._ Play with them, fool around, do stuff, but it’s not so easy for you like you figure out it is for them.

Calculating every possibility of a disaster is draining. It doesn’t let you relax and enjoy, not even when you are by yourself. What if you fail to toss? What if they laugh at you? What if, what if, WHAT IF…?

_Stop…_

Your mind plays games again, Hinata never looks to the second floor from where you hallucinate them fooling around like nothing ever happens.

_He is not like you._

Hinata’s never been shy. Not even a little, not like you’ve been, like you are, now.

He asks for everything; He buys his own pork buns, and for help, and manages the attention he gets in a way that makes you cringe. He is vocal when something upsets, worries, or makes him happy in the very moment when it happens –even to his senpais! That is scary- but is also a voluble little kid; often on the brink of laughing or crying or murdering someone, he had his weird days.

Hinata’s… Hyper active, overly emotional, awfully loud, obnoxious, and hard to persuade.

Solid, yet malleable.

Undisciplined, yet constant.

Joyful, yet scary.

What are you, then, Kageyama? You are not loud, never been, really. You prefer to keep your screams on your clenched throat until you just cannot anymore (which, let’s keep straight, is not quite healthy) are you overly emotional? ... Wait! You actually _are!_ But just not as Hinata is.

You understand you have a problem. It is not normal to gobble down all of your comments about everything and then just let them spill like water down a river when you happen to feel like you just can’t anymore, usually your words tend to hit people because they somewhat hurt you first and you never told them.

It is not normal to let your venom ruin friendships. Why the fuck are you like that?

Why can’t you just be like anyone else? No acting, no pressure, no constant repetition on your head over the same stupid stuff over and over… Why can’t you just be like Hinata?

You stamp your head against the glass window and your fisted hands forcedly relax against the wooden windowsill.

“Fuck” you cuss. Everything is falling apart on your head, again.

Why are you not like Hinata?

Suddenly you are gripping the edges and breathing through your mouth.

“Stop”

He is so easy, so bright, so light and transparent. You are heavy, bold, like a bunch of lead. This… tiny person is the complete opposite of you. Completely unknown terrain for you to walk in. That is why you’d never approach Hinata outside the court.

The court gives you some kind of confidence, knowing you are the only one who can do what, well, you _do._ You feel comfortable around your teammates, doing what you are good at and feeling as if nothing ever matters outside of playing. It boosts you to the point of almost play around like you’d never do when not in practice.

But once the brooms are all on the supply room and the metallic doors are closed, you are back to your one-person pity party.

Suddenly you are back to yesterday morning, Hinata stormed off to his classes along with you whilst jumping and screaming he’d pass his math test thanks to Yachi, he had mentioned how good his friendship with Kenma had been and how much he wanted some pork buns.

You mouthed an ‘oh’ as the word ‘envy’ appeared on your head.

He is a fucking ray of Sun and you are a just there, kinda hoping he does not burn you.

He finished his hurried chatter to turn around the corner and you clearly saw how he bumped against some of his classmates just at the hall outside his classroom. God, he _shines_ as he walks.

“Stop” your words hurt you.

Hinata… is all you are not.

You’ve come the resolution that you would never be like him, never in your damn life. Not even in your dreams, and you are so upset suddenly, quite mad, at the moment, losing your head over stupid stuff like this is so ridiculous, you are so ridiculous, Tobio, Hinata…!

…Hinata is…

Hinata is… away.

The Sun is starting to set and its sudden reflection against your iris makes you hiss and blink. God. How you _wish_ for it to be night again, so your mind can get some rest.

You are so ridiculous.

Taking place on your bed again, you close your eyes tight and bury the book on your chest.

“T-the Sun is… 149 million kilometres _away_ from earth…”

 

-

 

“Annoying” you whisper to yourself, “loud. All of them. Loud”

Your zipper gets stuck on the polo shirt beneath it, desperate fingers pull it all the way down. Time passes by on the changing room. “Fidgety” you hiss.

Your fingers wont rest as you struggle peeling the jersey off of you, sweaty hands slapping the wall next to you to gain balance; one shoe, two shoes, one leg, two legs, pants off. You mutter your curses, hair a mess, mess a mess, you are a mess. A mess of sweaty hands, tousled hair, stinging cheeks and Axe. Your audible pants are positively more annoying than you thought.

You try to take your bottoms off from your ankles, trip, and fall.

It hits you like your ass just did against the floor; you are weak.

Weak as a piece of paper, weak as your limbs before matches. Weak, weak, weak.

Fragile? Light? Empty. Empty and easy to fill up with heaviness. Heaviness that comes from the chuckles outside, the quiet kids on class eyeing you up and down, the steel bite of the intimidating gaze of the prettiest girl on your class. They burn trough your skull and your heart bumps like crazy. They fill you up, they cram your insides of their laughter and your worries about whatever make you implode.

Why is that? Oh you wish you knew. You know of you having this ‘whatever’ since you were a child. Hands that quickly overflew with sweat no matter which season you were at, hot flushes across your face and dread, dread that never quite dissipated.

Dread that was always waiting for you.

But, what’s got you angry and all flustered right now, is that you had to do a presentation for Ethics on controversial themes. You acted rather confident, seeming as you studied really hard to do your part, but none of that really helped the dread you felt when everyone’s eyes locked on you as you tried (and failed) to expose your point.

Crazed teenagers on your group started throwing shit about your part, being fiercely against everything you and your team was up to.

You wanted to scream. _ShUT UP SHUT UP_ over and over on your head _shut up you are wrong!!!_ But you never talked back. So loud. Everybody’s loud. Loud, obnoxious, ignorant. You picture how their faces deformed before you as their cackles increased, your skin rising goose bumps, your senses on overdrive.

A particularly sharp comment nearly throws you off the plank; you were about to snap and scream with a fury that you would know, minutes before your outburst, that it wasn’t even _that_ important. Your mind would tell you are fucking exaggerating.

But again, cold sweat on your palms, loud, loud, people is loud, people is annoying…

“Kageyama?”

Sweaty palms propel you up and you realize the incredible.

He is there. The door has been open this whole time.

Hinata’s body is thin and short, unlike the monster you are for your age. Skinny waist buried under shirts that never quite fit him, tanned skin showered by tiny moles and freckles. You just now become aware of the window behind you being open.

“Are you okay?”

_Well, do I look like im okay?_

Trousers down to calves, hands fisted, you try to swallow your anger and pick up some dignity. Remember who you are talking to… Certainly doing that doesn’t help; however, the situation gets weirder by second, so why bother in putting your damn pants on again?

Yeah, being on boxers in front of him is no biggie, yeah.

_Sarcasm, sarcasm._

“Yeah” you say. “I tripped, its fine”

Hinata stares. His staring is intense, never ceases in its scrutiny, not even when he knows it’s almost creepy. You watch his eyes scanning your hands and shame spreads on your nervous body. Then he snorts.

Hinata doesn’t resist a laugh-typical of him- and slaps his thigh when the giggles escape in effervescent moments, your name dripping of his tongue every now and then, always followed by ‘you are an idiot’.

“Were you so angry you hit yourself?” he chirps “actually you are capable of doing that”

“Ah shut the fuck up…” you get up and proceed to put on your practicing shorts, trying hard to ignore Hinata and his occasional comments about you apparent stupidity. “Shrimp”

Why don’t you care about him just now?

Well, you obviously cared about him just a few days ago when you pathetically made a comparison of everything you are and he is.

But again, it was always a mystery how your behaviours could bend to match the others.

The Sun’s hot against your skin and you remember the book you read just a week before.

Your mind is gone as you lift your arms to the sky and stretch, suddenly you are uttering:

“Did you know that the Sun is 149 million kilometres away from here?”

Well, now that you think about it, it’s not _so_ far away…

Not even a lightyear.

… The light is enough to make your cold skin warm. Not enough to melt you.

Hinata turns his head slightly to meet your face and his brown irises are golden and sparkling with that summer day’s light. Hair tussled away from his face and dry lips that you never really noticed. He is not blinding you.

“You need to get your head on earth once in a while, man” he coos, smiling sweetly, the corners of his eyes showing crinkles. “Let’s go play, yeah?”

He leaves the room with his white practicing shirt over his shoulders, you catch the hint of his bare back lightened up by the soft Sun as he turns to the court.

“Reach it” you whisper, you can’t help but feel oddly _soft._

_-_

 

“Ah”

The first time you look into the mirror before heading outside the dentist’s office, you are startled.

Like, really. Astonished.

The mirror reflects the shiny orange brackets attached to your fucked up teeth (not as fucked up as _fucked up_ like really really **fucked** but, still) and you open your mouth wider just to take a look to whatever the kind lady did to you. Second thing you do is try to close your mouth but failing at doing it right, so next thing on your vision is a bleeding lip, and concern.

What are they gonna think of you?

Uttering a tiny curse, you proceed to start the ritual of cleaning that you have to do daily, then head to your room and hit the sack.

You wake up a few hours later with the obnoxious beeping of your alarm. You walk the stairs to the kitchen to turn the kettle on and head off to get a quick shower, put on your uniform, give your now weird teeth management, and say your morning prayers in time to serve yourself some tea and take your way to school.

It is no longer summer. No bugs, no hurried heat on the morning, no obnoxious humid air hitting your face. Everything following its way to dream again and abstain of waking up for the next few months. Everything starts to get a sweet smell and it’s always good when the chilly wind makes your cheeks itch. Mid-autumn is always welcome for you.

You step your feet inside the court at 7:12 am, when only Tsukishima and Daichi are inside and setting the net.

Daichi gives you a small nod and an energetic ‘Morning’ and Tsukki doesn’t seem to notice you until you set your stuff on the floor and step in front of him across the net.

When his eyes land on you, his eyebrows knit.

“What the hell did you do to your mouth?”

Your hand instantly goes to your injured lip and notice, with delated surprise that drool is dripping from it. You wipe it, shame already scalding on the back of your neck.

“Braces?” Tsukki asks, his trademark smirk already annoying you. “I bit my lip too, at first”

Your frown gives in a tiny bit, and still short in confidence to talk without spitting, you hand covers your mouth as you utter “you don’t have braces”

“But I had” His eyes land on yours and you can’t help but notice how fucking tall and kinda intimidating he is compared to you, also it is not natural for him to _talk_. (Neither for you but who cares…) “Surely you look alright with them” he finishes, a hint of disdain and light words confusing your already buzzing thoughts.

Tsukki smiles.

What the fuck. Okay, wow. Is he really trying to bond? Is it a trap? Whichever, your hand slowly gets away from your mouth as your cheeks tint pink. Then you notice he is still smirking.

“Liar”

He tilts his head back as a bold chuckle escapes his lips “Aw, Osama’s ashamed of his teeth?”

You know what? Forget it, Tsukki’s as much of an ass today as he’s been the whole time.

“Fuck off”

He shows you the middle finger and pokes your forehead with it, from across the net, your cheeks still pink, your inside fears already growling and prying for the tall blonde to leave. And he does, not without making you even more flustered.

By 7:42, the whole team is gathered around Daichi who appears more energetic and happier than usual. You pay special attention to his hands and the way the sway around as he gives the team the Monday’s lecture. You turn your head to watch around the gym, all the same. Old paint on the walls, tall ceiling and wooden floor. Turning around again, your shoulders spike in surprise.

“Work in pairs!!”

“Oh go-d”

You did not meant to. Oh shit, who the hell would mean to do that anyway?!

Unfocused, your eyes catch a hint of Hinata’s and you freeze. Your hand yanks away from the floor and staples to your lips when you see, with disgusting high resolution that you, indeed, just spat on Hinata’s chin.

And god, the way his eyes expand, touching the gooey mess on his chin, you want to scream at how scarily quiet everything got.

His brows knit, his lips part, his hands roam in the air for a brief moment before attaching to yours and oh god this is disastrous. Your sweaty palms are rock solid against your injured lip and yet he manages to grab one when you get distracted on inhaling enough are to shout.

A mind race starts. The worst conclusion rapidly making it in front of your eyes, what if’s instantly appearing and pushing you overboard, as your numb legs unfold and you try to stand, with Hinata still on the floor and a death grip over you. Suddenly you stop.

With your other hand still muffling your words, you babble “Get off”

“ _Kageyama_ ”

His hand is burning, his hand is scalding, and you are a hundred percent sure that if he does not let go of you, he’s gonna melt you or burn you into ashes.

Well, maybe you are exaggerating, you think. But, to be honest, you too think you are not.

Hinata’s face is one of a kind. He can constantly pull the funniest and weirdest expressions in matter of an instant and match his features with whatever odd feeling he is experimenting. But as much as he is expressive he can get really stone faced. And everybody knows that, when his eyes look like Noya’s, and his mouth’s closed, jaw looking bolder, you have to fucking move. Hell, even you feel intimidated right now, but his hand is burning hot against your wrist and you can’t help but feel hypnotized by those fucking giant eyes.

“What” you squeak, once you finish your internal monologue.

As much as you are feeling confused on why you are not arguing with him, you can’t bring yourself to care, because next thing he does is take your hand gently, and slowly pull you down again. He scoots closer to you, the both of you sitting on your folded legs, and he gazes upon the hand covering your bruised and damp lip.

He looks too damn serious to be something that will happen again, so you are sure to put attention, control your impulses and not freak out.

“Are we not friends?” he looks aside, as if he were checking if anyone could hear him.

The very question doesn’t make it to your brain until he plays with your numb free hand. You never thought of you being his friend.

“… Are we?” he insists, you freeze.

You want to bite your nails, pick at your face, bite your lip, but none of that will do. _Yes_ you want to say. _Yes_ , but to be honest, you are not sure whether if there is a friendship policy between you two. You guys never talk much aside from practice and walking home, part of that is your fault because he is always eager to hang out with you – _any day Kageyama! I have an Xbox and my mum can help me out with Natsu! -_ So… he sees you as his friend.

You always think of everything, even the things that are frankly ridiculous. But never thought of the possibility of being his friend.

_Well, are we?_

_Well, well… I don’t know._

_Hinata, I don’t know._

You figure you must be pulling a weird face judging by the one Hinata’s making at you. It looks unnatural of him to be _that_ serious. It kind of… hurts you? You really cannot put a name on the feeling, because you certainly don’t know how to describe it. The whole situation per se is weird and kind of awkward, so suddenly you find yourself (without getting your hand out of the way) uttering:

“Well, yeah”

His eyes advert to yours, and you don’t dodge his look for once in your life (you promise to indulge yourself with some chocolate milk as a treat for such an improvement) and he stays quiet for a moment. After intensely looking at you, Shouyou finally resumes his playing with your free hand and cocks his head just a bit. His lashes touching his Sun-kissed cheeks.

“Friends don’t hide anything from each other” he mumbles. You feel a hint of something heavy setting on the pit of your tummy (and also drool running on your chin) His expression would make you gape and frown, uneasy. But somewhat you manage to supress it due to the fact that fuckINg HELL YOU ARE _HIS. FRIEND._

Without any stuttering nor doubt, you speak.

“They don’t do that… I guess”

Hinata looks at you again as he speaks “Then why’d you hide from me?”

Alright, he might have a point here, alright. Is that why you feel so funny? Is that why your cheeks itch and that’s why you feel the familiar tingle on your stomach but it is actually not the _bad_ one?

“I look stupid” you snarl in a defensive tone, attempting to get up again and drop the case, but he is, as you already noticed, quicker than you and he already has his mortally warm grip growing stronger on your sweat damp fingers. “You’d laugh”

You know that barely passed like five minutes since warming exercise started but this whole situation is making it appear a lot longer. Sitting again, you decide to let your hand finally let go of your mouth and discover your face, not daring to open your lips though. You stretch your legs in front of you and proceeds to open them on a ‘v’ shape with Hinata between them, still holding your other hand. You lower your head.

“Well, I do trust you, Kageyama…” Hinata peeks at you from behind your curtain of fringe, both eyebrows and mouth quirking on a soft expression, _soothing_. “I won’t laugh”

You lower your body between your legs and your head gets so close to Hinata’s bent knees you think you’ll hit them, but he promptly gives you some space for you to stretch out, finally he lets go of your hand and stands, dissipating from in front of yours and you sigh as your whole body contorts to its original position.

But as soon as he went he’s back and, well, on your back, patting it, scratching it so softly you feel odd.

“Hinata” his name slips out of your tongue like a knife through butter and in a second he is squatting before you, between your legs, closer even. “Yeah?” he answers.

You flash a grin.

Hinata slumps back and lands on his ass, the hints of a smile curling his lips upwards, his blinding glow entering your cold autumn self with infinite stamina, a ray of Sun crosses his fringe of orange hair and lands on the end of the wooden floor. And he chuckles.

“You look weird” Shouyou’s voice is sweet, like the whole situation just became “Did they hurt?”

“Actually they didn’t” you answer, quite overwhelmed by his welcoming response. You can’t help but keep showing your less and less fake smile as he continues rocking back and forth as he talks to you.

You both spend the whole stretching and warming ups talking about the process of braces and Daichi punishes you for that. You really don’t mind.

 

-

 

“Finals” Yachi announces, a stack of papers on her tiny hands and sweat running down her puffy cheeks.

“Fuckin’ finals” Hinata follows her with a box of supplies for his biology project. Both of them really look lacking of sleep.

On the other side of the big dining table at Yamaguchi’s house, Kei sits with his laptop in front of him and two different notebooks beside him, a can of coke next to the computer and Yamaguchi quietly unpacking a pair of scissors from a box.

You feel lost.

Yes, lost.

Lost because none of your fellows first years share the same math class as you; Lost because Yachi and Hinata are on a pair project for biology, Yamaguchi works on his final assignment for ethics and Tsukishima is on the final part of his English paper.

Lost because you can’t find sense to the x’s and y’s and negatives and positives and weird signs on your paper. Lost because you know you’ve been copying works the whole dang semester and you have no fucking idea on how to resolve quadratic equations. Lost, lost, lost…

Both of your hands are sweating, your whole body collapses from the inside to outside every now and then, and you guess you’ve to be looking really sick because Tsukki’s asking: “What’s wrong with you?” followed by a soft kick of gas shoe to yours from under the table. You react softly and slowly, uncharacteristically of you, to be completely honest. And that, as Tsukki’s face reads, doesn’t look alright.

“Osama’s tired?” he coos, on a weird double sided comment that you really don’t know how to answer. But you nod anyway.

He shuts up for a moment before smirking “good” he says, and the way he looks at you afterwards, up and down, smile never leaving his lips, makes your ears go red.

Yamaguchi sighs in frustration when he tries to put hot glue on a folder which he’d been trying to finish since you’ve got there, and God, you’ve never seen him so mad.

Tsukki’s smile drops when you kick his shin hard enough to bruise, and resumes his writing with his middle finger being raised at you. God, you don’t even have energy to fight with him right now, all you care about is fucking do this math practice, study it, do your test tomorrow and be free for the holydays and hope not to fuck up on the next semester, which for the record, is _just_ the second. You don’t even want to think about Advanced Algebra –That will come like the inevitable death on fourth semester, and of course- Calculus ( _Fucking hell, Daichi, im going crazy, god fucking damn it!)_ that makes your senpais cringe and Asahi break pencils.

Why can’t you just… lay there… and be nothing for once?

Ah wait, you already laid there, already been nothing, and more than once.

That’s why you feel like you are chocking on spit when Hinata keeps acing his own tests now, without any help nor constant sweaty hands, unlike you, that you barely passed with 60 points on your last two tests. How lame.

You might be as agile, as powerful, carefree and meticulous as you want to be on the court, but you are the complete opposite of those things once the terrain becomes written and your goal is match your answers with the option A, B or C.

Hinata comes back from the kitchen without Yachi and slumps right next to you, with both a stack of white sheets and markers. You remain silent whilst lowering your head towards the crumpled paper.

“Are you hungry?” He says, pointing you with a marker “You, Yams?” he finishes, pointing at Yamaguchi who murmurs a tiny ‘yeah’ and grumbles another unintelligible thing before getting to work again.

Tsukki takes a rest of his own duty to gulp down from the soda can “pizza” he says. Both of you nod, Yamaguchi says nothing, and ten minutes later you are alone with Hinata –Yachi had to go home immediately- ( _Sorry! I’ve to see Kiyoko right now!!! She wants to go out with me! Oh god HINATA HOW DO I LOOK?!)_  And you certainly are beginning to hate the silence of Yamaguchi’s house.

Slumped against the table and over the paper, sighs scape your mouth, and you pray to get this done already by doing absolutely nothing, you plan on just act as if nothing’s wrong, you will let yourself drown a little whilst Yamaguchi and Tsukki are out chasing for the meal and Hinata’s on the bathroom.

“Hey”

Startled, your body snaps backwards and you swing, Hinata dodges and makes his usual on guard pose, but you really, really don’t want to do anything.

“Hey” you say, and it comes out heavier than you expected it to be.

Hinata runs his hand on your back and your whole body fights the urge to convulse and yelp. Then he peeks over you to take a look at your crumpled work and immediately asks “Trouble there?”

 _Yes. Yes, I am a disgrace on this, Hinata_. You want to say, and it stays in want, because your heart dashes away from your thoughts in order to maintain you _safe_ , at every cost. Hinata sits again, and manages to sweep under your arms to grab the papers and read them, both elbows propelling the stack in front of him. _Please_ , you think, _please, god._

_Make it stop._

He turns his tiny face to you and you turn to see him. Hinata’s pretty, to be honest, the prettiest, too beautiful to be fair. Hypnotized as you are now, there is no going back, and you just conceal your short circuits (that, matter of fact, you admit being feeling since a few months) and keep your outbursts to yourself.

“Trouble everywhere” You are head against rock whit this, so swallowing hard, finally you proceed to actually accept his help.

His tiny smirk is too much for you. Hot, hot, hot everywhere, sweat damping your forehead and hands and neck, a flush spread through your cheeks as it itches, itches like a burn when he speaks and you fail to comprehend his words.

Hinata suddenly says something nasty without knowing and you are drowning on hate. So quickly that hurts, so sad so suddenly. Hate for yourself for not understanding basic stuff that, as much as you hate, appears that is the only important thing that can judge your intelligence. Hinata explains once again but you just cannot concentrate, and he laughs a little, you notice. _There is nothing to laugh about_ , you ponder, _damn it._

_God, please, make it stop_

_Hinata, please, I can’t breathe._

“Kageyama”

Both of his hands trap your hot face between them, and he looks determined. The serious eyes he shown you once –just for you, that is- are back here, in front of yours. Hinata scans your face, from your forehead, to your lips, and back, and forth, and into your eyes. You want to scream.

“Please, relax, alright?”

You cannot stop thinking this is not the Hinata you knew back then, in middle school, between screams and angry teammates. This is not the same Hinata that used to puke when nervous, nor the same childish kid th at used to fight against his own shadow if provoked. Not the same boy who cried, big, fat, meaningful tears once he lost against you. He’d changed, a lot. That makes you feel like you had to do it too, but you didn’t.

He’s wise, now. Kind of.

“Kind of” you say.

He looks at you like you just said his hair is green. “Kind _of?”_  

“I mean- yes”

Shouyou’s laugh rings loudly on your ears when his smile lets the cackles out.

 _This is Hinata_ , You watch him, pouting, blushing, _this is Hinata._

“Let’s continue, yeah? Im sure you can do it! Hell, I did! You are the awesome Kageyama, like hell you wouldn’t get through this”

Yamaguchi opens the door in time for Hinata to let go of your pink cheeks and wink at you.

_It’s okay…_

You swear his thumb caressed your cheekbone before letting go of your face.

_Trust him._

You murmur “Okay”.

-

_[05:21 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: where tf are you?? I’m outside your house. I brought my books and all._

_[05:21 PM] Shou Thunder: At Suga’s. Sorry I was just going to call you to tell u studying’s cancelled tonight sorryyyyy_ _:’c:’c_ _…_

 

The interminable string of sad faces are making you want to roll your eyes into the confines of your death bed. That little shit made you walk all over to his house then he just tells you he is at Sugawara senpai’s doing god knows what. You huff and sit awkwardly on the concrete steps of his front wooden door.

Needless to say, you _fucking ACED_ your test, but now you are forced to go to Hinata’s three times a week for assessor. Yes, even in a holyday week like this.

_[ 05:23 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: what do I do now?_

_[ 05:23 PM_ _] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: wait dumb question im gonna go home rn._

_[ 05:23 PM] Shou Thunder: Wait idiot!! Come over. You dense fucker u only catch balls don’t u?_

You frown and grumble to yourself “Catch a what?-“

-Oh _. Ohhhh._

Kageyama you sure are a dense fucker.

_[ 05:24 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: Can I really come over? Suga- san will be sure upset._

[ 05:23 PM] _Shou Thunder: Oh fuckk off with that just now!! As if Suga ever gets mad… well he does but not over stupid stuff like this. We are all in here!! Look_

He proceeds to send you a blurry candid of him doing a peace sing and a strange face, from one of the angles of a big living room with dark brown furniture’s and blue walls. Tanaka appears on the opposite end of the picture holding a PlayStation game case and Noya at his side, holding up two fingers without losing concentration on his phone. Suga’s blurry hand appears from one of the cut edges of the picture, Yamaguchi’s tongue and face showing mockery.

Good times...

That’s when it starts.

Your hands sweat with anticipation as you type.

[ _05:23 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: You guys seem to be having a good one there._ You try to disguise this one, if not, Hinata would start asking stuff.

_[ 05:23 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: Are you staying over?_

Fisting up your bag and stretching your legs, you observe the Sun far away. You wonder how much time of daylight you have left.

_[ 05:24 PM] Shou Thunder: Yeah Kageyama_ _:v_ _come over already!! Gonna go now, I’ve to help Suga with something. Bye man..._

And another insufferable string of obnoxious and discontinuous emojis fill up your screen and you lock it whilst rolling your eyes, and sigh.

 _Suga’s home’s at like… ten minutes from here_.

Holding your bag into your hands and plugging earbuds into the phone, the walking downtown begins, as the Sun slowly dissipates behind long rows of houses, bushes, and clouds. You silently walk in the chilly wind; Leaves opening a path for you, the lazy sidewalk making you feel oddly calm.

Quite a lot had passed since you and Hinata officially became friends in all the extension of the word, and let aside the subject of the ‘enemies’. ( _I don’t hate you, Kageyama, enemies hate each other)_ You remember cracking jokes at him ( _you did- you- y- ou FUCKI NG ATE MY BUNS)_ and the uncountable times Daichi had to separate you on pair stretch because of how awfully loud you two could get (mostly Hinata’s fault, you really just have to try to say something in English to make everyone piss themselves) So yeah, now that you make a record of everything, it’s been a long time.

The tingle tingle of the phone notifies you of another message.

[ _05:30 PM] Sugar: Kageyama, where are you?_

[ _05:30 PM] Tobio_ _> :v_ _: Um… at the park near your house, Suga-san._

[ _05:30 PM] Sugar: Alright! Hurry, or we are gonna eat your slice!!_

Confidence, trust, team work, bonds. All of that in the long gap of, like, six or seven months, (quite a short time, but an incredible improvement for you, you think) enough comradery and trust to get inside Suga’s house without knocking.

First thing you see once your hand turns the doorknob is the living room TV crowded by Tanaka, Noya, and Hinata, and two pizza boxes forgotten next to them.

Your shoes are left on the entrance and you walk to the kitchen, in hopes to grab something to drink, but you are promptly ambushed by your fellow first year and his huge, _perfect_ smirk. And “Hi!” he says. And “Hi” you reply. And “ShIT!” Tanaka screams, silence broken into a fit of laughter from the living room.

By now, its two AM, and neither of you are asleep yet. Yamaguchi had the worst ( _best_ ) idea ever: Omegle. So here you are, all crumpled on Suga’s big settee, a couple of you already with some beers downed (including you) and staring at the bright screen in hopes to pester someone.

When a couple of good looking girls pop on the screen you hear Sugawara slurring something in English that makes them squeal, then he says other thing, in an insistent tone, putting both hands over his chest and wiggling it a little bit. They go offline.

It’s quite the fucking funniest thing you’ve ever done with them. And surprisingly you are not regretting it.  Your current position is at the very end of the sofa, the right end, then from that place, and in order, Noya, Yamaguchi, Suga, Tanaka, and Hinata’s at the other end. Your neck snaps back after a particularly long chuckle from your part and you become one with the sofa, slumping into it, and letting your left arm wander behind your upperclassmen.

_I forgot my toothbrush_

_Where’s my phone?_

Heavy lids make you sleepy and you close them in a sigh, and also, in a sigh, you snap them open; something touched your arm.

Turning your heavy head to the side, Hinata’s smiling presence lights up your face, and his face, and his everything. “Hey”

“Hey”

He pauses a bit, to drink a little more from his own bottle. “We are gonna make that quick _perfect_ ”

_The quick? As if… the quick attack?_

Shouyou (how sweet, how sweet that name is to you, right now) snickers and hiccups. “Promise me?”

His right hand extends to yours with his pinkie finger upwards, you flush. “I do promise” You, instead of cling your fingers together, grab his whole hand and squeeze it hard.

There is this moment of the night in which you remember falling asleep on the floor, with him beside you, and Noya’s foot at bare centimetres of your ass.

_I didn’t put my phone to charge._

 

-

 

It appears to be at nighttime.

Lights illuminate patches of what you recognize as a giant court, which appears smaller, and smaller, at each step you take. Unbalanced moves propel you up, and you are suddenly asking why this… why this is so dark.

Tsukishima’s face is not smirking against the net, Sugawara is not on sight. Daichi just stands next to you, but it appears as if he were much more away, even. You swear to God the screams of the people on the bleachers are just plain that, _screams_.

You are not celebrating.

Tsukki’s face adverts at you, but you are too focused on figuring out why you feel as if you are going cross-eyed. Not a drop of sweat, not a shriek of joy, not a hint of fun, not a sight of Hinata. Everything is just too damn dark, umbra filling you till the very center of your bones, you can feel it.

Out of nowhere something pushes you aside, and without falling, the answers are on the floor, on a mess of colour so contrasting to the eternal shadow surrounding you that it blinds you for a second.

“Lift him!” someone screams, the crowd’s roaring melting into white noise “Help him!!!”

A crowd rises a wall of people that surrounds the net, blocking your view, and you run an infinite trail to just get closer. Each step, each scream, each action making you weaker and weaker, eyes hurting against the source of the blinding light from the center of the crowd. When you thought you could never make it, tired limbs hit against backs and the crowd dissipates into oblivion. Tsukki’s mortified glare, Tanaka’s bleeding knees, Noya’s tears, and absolutely mad Daichi adverting their looks upon the floor.

“HE IS DEAD! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HIM!”

_That is_ _…_

“No no no, No no NO! YOU CANNOT GO LIKE THIS!”

_That is…_

“SHOUYOU!”

_That’s… me…_

You cannot believe your own eyes. In a heartbeat, the hurting eyes, the blinding colours, the cruel pain, everything returns to nothing whilst you crumble to the floor, knees first, limbs fast asleep before the crushing of your insides. What is happening?

_God. God please._

You see his still body still dressed to win, on his orange and black colours, and his number printed with pride over his back that’s turned to you. The you beside him looks completely destroyed, absolute dread, panic, inexpressible pain spitting through gritted teeth. His eyes are full of tears that look more dark than transparent, and he keeps screaming nonsense between horrible hiccups of fear.

You are shocked. But nothing ever prepared you for the moment in which the other you slams a hand on the floor, so loudly you swear to hear the sizzling buzz of the crowd aggravate again, and hold it up in front of him.

Blood drips.

_God, god, please, no._

Drip, drip. And Hinata’s head had smashed against the floor.

“Your fault”

_God, god, stop it now._

“Your fault”

The eerie image of the other one that screams in that mechanic, broken voice you only acknowledge as horrible gets louder than the thuds of your hearth.

“No” you mouth, but no sound is made.

_God, god, stop!_

“YOUR FAULT!”  He screams, and you dive into the abyss, suddenly lacking of air, ambushed by darkness, hot tears of despair wetting you goodbye before collapsing into the void.

But you woke up.

Quick intakes of breath and you jolt out of your place, abstaining of screaming. It’s still dark, and the rising and falling of you agitated chest provokes palpitation that are quicker, forced. Sitting and then crawling over knees, your unfocused eyes follow a path of light that illuminates the ends of the blanket, you step over trembling limbs and a horrible nausea to get to the source of light. It turns out to be the bathroom.

As sweat covers your entire face and the clothes are rapidly removing from your shaky body, a voice softly calls you from the hall. You never felt sadder, and drained in your life.

“Kageyama?”

When you see him standing there, with nothing but a big sweater and boxer briefs, his messy hair out of place, you cannot do anything but crumble again, in your reality, which you wish you never ever has to change. You scramble at his feet, starting to mumble, heavy nothings filling you up, loud nothings leaving your mouth, stinging nothings hitting your cheeks, scorching nothings squeezing your heart.

The more you think of the bloody puddle on your head the harder is to breath, the struggle becomes stronger when you try to restrain the tears falling nonstop from your eyes, Hinata’s cold fingers wrap wholeheartedly around your arms and he shakes, he shakes you as if you were paper. Is he talking? You don’t know, are you talking? You don’t know.

 _God, of you are there_.

An intake of hissing breath knocks you out and you become a puddle of everything you feared of, as Hinata holds you, a lullaby of “Suga! Suga! Suga!” makes you head off to sleep again.

_Never take it away_

This time, you don’t remember any of your dreams, but that’s okay. You guess.

_Good god, please do_

_Not take it away, don’t take him from me_

_The Sun of my life, the star of my dreams._

 

-

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It’s ten in the morning when you are seated against your own sofa, surrounded by the whole team, and your mother.

“Tell you what” the answer comes out harshly. Your mum, however, looks unimpressed by your response and looks around, her face switching to a lopsided smile to the team captain.

“I will check out the kettle” she sighs, Yamaguchi decides to help her out.

The look on Suga’s eyes is concerning, Daichi hadn’t taken a seat since he got there.

“You had a panic attack” Suga mutters. “You had a fuckin’…” He tilts his head back and stretches his neck. Both hands over his face scrub it and then he goes back to the original position.

You decide not to answer, not to move, no to breath... You are to drain for that, you are too tired for everything, you are too stupid to differentiate between reality and fiction. But whenever your lids are shut he is there, Hinata’s there, and he is not jumping, not sinking, and it’s all your fault.

“God, please, can you- can you guys give him space?” Hinata intervenes and Suga immediately feels guilty.

“Im- sorry, Kageyama, I was… I just… I feel so useless…!” Sugawara retorts, but you are too dry to even look at him. “We’ll come later, okay?”

The redhead nods and gives him a small smile before following them with his gaze. He takes a seat on the same sofa as you, lifting your legs, then sitting on the spot where they were and putting them over his lap.

“Hey”

“Hey”

He chews on his lip. “You scared me”

Hinata’s petite face scrunches when he gazes at you. Glaring won’t work, not with him.

You lick yours and let a small chuckle leave your mouth. “Well, you died”

Silence sets over you two, over him with all its weight, with all its implication and with all of its dead time that you really don’t need right now. Hinata grabs your shoe and starts toying the laces with the fingertips, sheepish and slow motions to kill his worries.

“You know” he tilts his head on your direction “Yesterday we had an eclipse. A moon eclipse”

His effort to make you talk is heartwarming. You nod.

“Was your dream that bad?”

“I prayed”

He looks positively confused, an eyebrow promptly rising, asking you silently to elaborate. You lock eyes with his, sighing. “I don’t do pray too much”.

“Oh” he says.

You want to say something more elaborate. Spit the truth, ask mum for help, get into a fight with your mind, win a war, toss a ball, kill your thoughts… vocalize, materialize, express!

But at the very moment, your lips fall silent and pursed, not enough time, not enough energy, and too much to think.

“Can I stay over tonight?” Hinata abruptly inquires, sending you a tiny smile with his tiny lips and tiny everything glowing insistently, hints of hope on his eyes, hands looping around your shoe. You open your mouth to answer before poison words fill your head, but Mum’s quicker.

“Of course, darling!” she says, tea in hand.

You silently hope to get some sleep, you wish to fly, win the nationals, die, go to heaven and shut up.

-

“Here”

It’s nine PM when Hinata comes back at your house from his, clothes in a bag and two bottled cokes in hand. He simply arrives to your room and slumps on the carpet beside the unmade bed, in which you lay.

“How are we gonna open them?” you ask, he instantly gets up and scoots closer with his bottle in hand and pointing at you with it, the cap closer and closer to your face, he grabs your hands and giggles.

“Let’s give your braces some use”

Alarmed and annoyed, you try to shove him without shaking the sodas too much, and he finally gives in with a long shriek of laughter that makes your neck itch (in the good way, the good. Yes.)

 You mutter a halfheartedly “Won’t toss to you till next year” just to watch him squirm and melt into a puddle of disgrace for your enjoyment.

“You are evil” Shouyou accusingly points at you with one finger and serious tone. “We won’t win if you are such a jerk”

“I’ve been a jerk through all this time” you retort, and he looks quizzed.

“Well, I mean…” deciding it is bet to explain whilst sitting, he resumes “I mean evil as if evil like Tsukishima” You snort at that “He just wants to watch the world burn”

It’s funny how Hinata talks, you figure. Hinata in his very own definition is funny. He is a spark that starts a revolution, both figurative and literal. He’s got so many ways, so many readable characteristics that you never get tired of analyze. His interaction, his infinite energy, love for living and living to love. His will to get taller, taller, taller than everything, taller than any wall on his life, taller than the world, so big that nothing can swallow it.

Losing him, would be like ripping the heat off of the Earth.

Ripping hearths, opportunities, futures, paths, possibilities, victories, memories, friendship, and love.

Praying suddenly doesn’t seem enough, reality suddenly doesn’t seem as still and predictable as you thought minutes ago. You grimace.

“…And Yachi said she’d be visiting London on Christmas!” He says, immediately grinning with all his teeth and a sour glare “But you are not fuckin’ listening!” He pinches you on your bare toe and yew bark in surprise.

Your decoy tilts his head to the side like a confused dog, mouthing a “is something wrong?” whilst scooting closer to you, still with his head at bed level. “Hey?”

Why are you remembering this now?

Your mind rolls back to three years ago when you first met him. How mean, and disgraced you were with him. How much of an ass with superiority complex you used to be and what a distasteful, insipid way of displaying your abilities you made. Instant regret shoots through your eyes, because yes, you two were one of a kind, always getting into fights, but now that you analyze it that one time you crossed the line. You really don’t know if you are relieved or cursed for developing into… well, this.

This… mess.

“Hinata” Your voice comes out as a string of breath that doesn’t comes out well because you choke on the name.

He looks concerned. “Yeah?”

“Can you sit here?”

Hinata obliges. You make room for him, with your knees under your chin and folded to your chest. You watch him slowly getting rid of his socks and crossing his legs in front of you. Breathe in, breath out, and you remember what Suga said once: “You don’t swallow venom, you spit it” (You cannot recall if he said that to encourage you to return some nasty insults to Tsukki or what) so yeah, you are gonna spit it.

_Say it._

His giant eyes expect, wait patiently (as patiently as Hinata can get) for you to talk. Attentive gestures adverting at you, you can tell he is making an effort not to move or say something stupid for a laugh, and that’s honestly making you more nervous.

“I feel everything”

Hinata looks at you with mouth ajar and brows knit. “Wha-“

“I feel everything to much” You swallow hard, a hand flat in front of the other’s face, to let you talk “I… I focus on things for too long. You know? Its…” you restrain yourself from biting your nails “Sometimes, it helps, it helps me to think twice, but… sometimes I think more than twice and more than three times and more than that, and sometimes I make things up, on my head” you point your head to illustrate. “Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t talk”

Hinata looks more confused, even.

“So… you think a lot?”

“Sort of”

“And… about what?”

You sigh “Possibilities. What if. Its… like… when you pour cereal into milk and you stir it with the spoon a long time, it gets all mushy and disgusting, and you can’t eat it” You know that is a bad comparison but Hinata seems to get it, at least a tad.

“That happens with my head. Cereal is the situation, and my mind is like a spoon that never stops stirring…” You check on him, he still hasn’t moved “And in the end, I do nothing”

Hinata gets silent for a minute that settles as awkward for the first time in a bunch. But he suddenly snaps “That’s stupid”

A pang of disgust hits your chest like a whiplash, cheeks going red and jawline contouring bolder. “What?”

“How is that you can’t let things go? Life’s like a river! You can’t just wait for the water to stop!” He’d got a good point if it wasn’t stupid and you’ve already heard it in some shitty auto help program that your mum watches.

“The problem is…” you gather strength not to get mad “I _can’t_ stop doing it”

Your face is partially hidden by a curtain of hair as you continue “I live in the future, what if this thing happens? What if this other thing doesn’t happen? What if…” You cut yourself off, tired of speaking. “I prefer not doing nothing””

Hinata looks away. “That is even more idiotic”

This time, the pain is urgent and the rage is consequent. You don’t want to yell, but it seems to be needing of your anger. “You don’t know shit! That’s why im talking to you”

“Im trying to help!” he rises his voice.

“But you are just making me sink lower!”

“That is because _you_ want!” he screams, taking you by both shoulders and shaking you “You don’t want to try! You want to stick on the routine, and to live on the future whilst never focusing on the thing that is blocking your path _right now_!” Shouyou doesn’t looks as pissed as you can effortlessly get, but he is still scary. “God Damn it! Get your feet on the ground, stop worrying!! You blacked out because of a nightmare!

“YOU DIED!”

“SO WHAT!” he snarls “IT WAS A DREAM SO WHO CARES!”

“I CARE, FUCKING HELL, I DO!” You shove him harshly and feel the itch of anger slowly getting sour as tears peek from your eyes. You get up in a swift movement and stand before the window of your room, stars shining amongst the darkness. “What am I going to do…?”

He remains on his back, eyes wide, but quickly and at the same time lazily gets on his elbows to look at your back.

“…If I lose you?”

You gulp hard, you didn’t want to think about that but now seems as the best moment to let it all out. You sob, tired, weak. You sob, because, what else is there to do? So many time bottling it, why bother now?

Suddenly, hands are surrounding you and you want to scream, go a hit a ball and hit your head against the window and the same super 8 film of a memory from summer, from tanaka and Noya and Hinata playing without you flashes and stings, but he is there, he is hugging you, covering you, you feel as if he were giant and you tiny like a flower.

But, flowers are not afraid of giant suns. Flowers are glad to have suns for them.

Without warning, Hinata turns you around and faces you, his tiny hands and tiny self, radiating the heat you lost, soothing, and you obey to his magnetic eyes as he trails them upward, onto yours.

When he kisses you, a salty tear gets in the way, a cricket chirps outside, the night is the same as ever. When he grabs onto you and leads you to bed, and it creaks lightly under the weight of two persons, he kisses you a second time and whispers.

“I _am_ the real me. And if you lose the fake me, in your head, you’ll still have me here, okay?”

You just… nod.

-

_God, I don’t pray much_

Suga’s hand places on top of your cold shoulders and he takes a seat beside you, both of your legs lazily swaying front to back, wild wind making a mess on his head, and on yours, too. It’s February 1st and you kill some time whilst drawing a tiny star on your wrist.

_But with this, I need your help._

Suga furrows the brow and peeks at your distracted profile, the light of the day melting away with the blue of the night. “Tiny” he laughs “I want to get to the movies asap”

_God, make my teeth straight so I can take the braces off._

You nod in agreement, and finish up your tiny sketch with an even tinier volleyball on its side.

“I kind of like it, here. It’s sunny”

Suga rises a brow and smirks “Thought you said you hated the Sun?”

You turn to see him in perfect synchronization with the fast peace the rest of the team carries in your direction, on the distance, you spot Shouyou running and you stand.

_Make Winter eternal, and help us win._

“Well…”

An intake of breath, the grass moving slowly at your feet, a moment of your life, two short arms surrounding you, orange mess and scalding ears, and you find yourself muttering:

“Well, without it, we wouldn’t have Sunsets”

_Amen._

 

 

:;:;

Thank

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pp

**Author's Note:**

> im so so so so tired, thank you


End file.
